Official hippie classification
The Corporate Houseplant
Hippie status: Critically Low (0–15% hippie)
“You have the spiritual energy of a quarterly earnings report.”
The diagnosis
You appreciate structure, predictability, and shoes with actual arch support.
Your idea of roughing it is staying somewhere without complimentary breakfast.
You may have once purchased organic bananas, but we're not convinced it was intentional.
Recommended treatment: Sit beneath a tree for 20 minutes without checking your email.
Spirit musician
The hold music on a customer-service line
Steady, dependable, and somehow always playing.
Are you more of a hippie than your friends?